Another Day, No More Dollars…

I’m sitting in my favorite chair watching the snow fall.  I like cold weather; I like to bundle up and bake cookies – or maybe just eat them – and feel all cozy.  But since Don died, that feeling has been hard to find again.  People tell me that there is life after death; what I mean is, that – so they say – there is a life for me, without my Don.  It’s been three years, and I’m still trying to find my way alone in the world.

The snow falling is beautiful.  Don wouldn’t have liked it; he hated being cold.  Sometimes I think, “Now I can…” whatever it is that I always wanted to do that Don didn’t.  Get a dog.  Live where it snows.  Keep the t.v. on all day – mostly  just for the sound of another voice, but still… Don didn’t like much t.v.; not that there weren’t things he enjoyed; he’d warn me before watching a sporting event:  “I’m going to want to watch the game tomorrow…” as if he somehow wanted or needed my permission, which of course, he didn’t need.  I often watched those games with him, and learned about football and basketball… I’m still not crazy about baseball – all those guys standing around, pawing at the dirt with their shoes and spitting a lot.  The spitting bothered me.  And frankly, I find baseball boring.  I like basketball, and I like football. Do I watch those games now, alone?  No.  And the truth is, there’s not much on t.v. that holds my interest anymore.  I like about 3 or 4 regular programs, but that’s about it.  So yeah, I have it on a lot, but like I said, it’s mostly for the noise.  And then, the noise can get annoying, too.  But I’m rambling.  Which is why I don’t write… I tend to ramble.  But hey, here I am writing, and rambling…

So another day, no more dollars.  It seems like since I made this move, I’ve done nothing but spend money, and there’s not much coming in to be truthful.  The move was expensive.  Getting items for my new “home” that I had completely forgotten about – like a ladder, bookcases, food… you know, minor stuff that costs a lot – was expensive.  Somehow, it seems like each month my credit card bills are bigger and bigger while I think I’m trying to keep it down.  But then there’s winter clothing.  There’s snow boots and long underwear and thicker socks and well, stuff.  And art supplies and yarn to knit, and just too much. And travel.  Travel to visit my family, to see my new grandson, travel to not be alone so much. And it adds up.

And decisions about how to spend money – should I invest in a snow blower, or should I invest in a service to clear my driveway when it snows?  I went out yesterday and managed to shovel half the driveway.  I only need half of it cleared; I only have one car.  But it was harder than I expected – I mean it’s just snow, right?  Light, fluffy white stuff, but I got out of breath easily (the altitude I think… or maybe I’m just getting fat and lazy and out of shape) and while I felt I accomplished something without falling down while doing it, it’s not something I look forward to doing again.  This storm is supposed to be over by Monday, but people who’ve lived here for years and years tell me we’ll have a harder winter than usual because they had a longer rainy season (they call it the Monsoon Season, because that’s what it is – a monsoon), so that means more snow to shovel if I plan to go anywhere.  I could hole up in the house and hibernate, but then I’d have my original problem – being isolated and alone.

I don’t want to  be isolated.  I want to get involved in the community.  I want to make friends; I want to get out there, and I want some meaning in my life.  I need meaning in my life; otherwise, why am I here?

My daughter has suggested that I consider moving near her and her family in Austin.  In Texas. Texas?  It’s not the fact that it’s Texas – a “red” state and I’m so “blue” politically –  so much as it’s the fact of the weather.  Hot and humid.  Ugh.  Or cold and rainy.  Maybe rain is better than snow – you don’t have to shovel it.  And I can only shovel so much shit… (that’s a little joke in case you missed it…as my father in law used to say, you can’t put 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag…)

But, humid means I wouldn’t have to use nearly so much lotion for my dry skin… It may be snow country here, but it’s still pretty arid – the mountains of Arizona.  But hey, I live in a forest!  With two lakes in what I call my “backyard;” that means that I have a patio that opens onto the open green (currently white) space behind my condo that I’m renting.  And theres goes someone now, walking his dog… Dogs seem to love the snow.  Dog owners are kind of like the postal service – “neither rain, nor sleet nor snow, nor dark of night…” and all that. They get those dogs out there, no matter what!

But sitting here, looking out the window at the snow falling, and the occasional brave soul walking their dog is beautiful.  Everything is white; the snow is quiet; the flakes are actually very big right now.  So for today, I’ll spend another day inside, watching the flakes swirl and blow and fall and enjoy the silence of the white stuff we call snow.  And maybe I’ll find a good movie on t.v. and sit here and knit.  At least I can’t eat my knitting… and I’m out of cookies, so for today, I won’t have to worry about the fat and lazy thing… but tomorrow is another day, and probably another story.  And there’s still no more money coming in and I’m not quite sure, at this stage of my life, what I want to do about that.  I’ll have to think on it… as my father in law used to say.

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